I Saw God Today...

Yesterday, while spending time in fellowship with several wonderful women, I heard something very profound - "God, help me to remember this moment."  In life, we get so busy, we often forget to stop and take in small moments, that would otherwise go unnoticed, forgotten or possibly even grumbled about.

Last night, I had just finished feeding Hunter, who had resumed his sleep as I held him for a few minutes.  In my exhaustion (sometimes, the only proof I have that he even woke for feedings are the empty bottles that remain in the morning), I suddenly found myself more alert.  I started looking at the scant pieces of hair atop his head, the small cradle cap dandruff pieces on his forehead.  I studied his closed eyes, one clear and one matted from his clogged tear duct.  I took in his precious button nose, his sweet, soft, rosy cheeks.  I looked at his lips, pressed together in seriousness.  I studied the small little chin that had some residual milk tracing its creases.  I memorized his small ears, which are pointed and hairy (as are several babies).  In that moment, I begged the Lord, "Please, let me remember this moment."  I sat there, in my exhaustion, barely able to remember the bottle I just fed this small miracle and through tear-filled eyes, I tried with all my might to find something in that moment that was memorable.  I wanted to find something that, in fifty years, when I'm holding my great-grandchildren, I can look back on to remember the early morning of November 17th, when I held my baby.  I pleaded again, "Please, Lord, let me remember this moment."  Suddenly, my sleeping baby's lips went from seriousness into a smile.  A silent tear fell, "Thank you, Lord."  Another smile.  A third smile.  Then, as if he knew that God had just used him to answer my prayer, he opened his eyes, looked at me, and went back to sleep.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the big things that we miss the small things.  Last night, in the matter of five minutes, a prayer was said, a prayer was answered and a memory was made.  I will remember that moment.  Because in that moment, I saw God.

I Will Be

As many people know, getting pregnant with Hunter wasn't easy.  We went through two unsuccessful rounds of Clomid, tried unmedicated for another 12 months, and finally, 14 months after we began trying for him, and probably not very many months from giving up, we got our "BFP" (big fat positive), and after a somewhat rocky journey, we are now the proud parents of two precious boys.  I love both of my children more than anything, but they each have very unique stories and are very unique children.  Something that touched me, which I read shortly after getting pregnant with Hunter, is called "I Will Be".

I WILL BE

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.I will notice everything about my child.I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.  I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.  I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that I have been given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that I am led to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.  I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.  I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.  I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

I just wanted to share this, not for someone to argue over who's a better mother, that's not the point.  The point is - it might give hope, or a little smile, to someone who is struggling with infertility.  What I didn't know then, or had maybe just forgotten, was how every moment of pain was going to be worth it when I finally held my baby in my arms - and it was.  Suddenly, all the negative pregnancy tests were so perfectly right, because Hunter was our positive test...and I could not imagine my life without him in it.  He was, is and always will be worth the wait.  And despite the sleepless nights, the exhaustion, the tired arms from always holding him and the aggravation of trying to perfect breast feeding, I am grateful for those moments.  Because like that says - I'd rather be up with my dream at 3am than sleeping without him beside me.